The Counter-Intuitive Nature of Mental Illness

In college, when I had depression, I was told over and over to "fight it". The problem is, when you have depression, it sucks the fight out of you. It destroys your willpower. I remember many days when I laid in bed all day long until my blood sugar crashed and I was forced to eat. There's an old phrase "Go with your gut", but when you struggle with depression, everything in you tells you that you shouldn't do anything. I knew, because I worked at the Student Support Center, that you shouldn't listen to that voice. Still, most days, I didn't put in the effort to muster the willpower to get up and do... Anything.

I've had anxiety for a long time. Trust issues, self confidence issues, generalized anxiety. I thought I knew what it was like, and very harshly judged people who let their anxiety get in the way of living their life. Quitting jobs cause it was to anxiety producing? How crazy. Over the last few months, though, I experienced the most harrowing, overwhelming, debilitating emotional struggle I think I have ever experienced with my anxiety. That's coming from someone who was suicidal in college.

The biggest difference I experienced, and the reason that my anxiety was harder on me, was because while depression drained me of willpower, desire, and feeling, anxiety didn't. Instead, I had all my stubborn willpower, and I felt like I was running against a wall of overwhelming fear that came crashing down every time I made any progress. Instead of an absence of emotion, my emotions were amplified until I couldn't hear anything else.

I have always considered myself a capable person. I work hard, and I get where I am going. Feeling like I couldn't make any progress destroyed me. I felt that if I couldn't even control my emotions, that I couldn't contribute to my loved ones. I couldn't believe them when they said they loved me because I couldn't see what there was to love. I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't possibly contribute enough to anyone's life for them to want me around. I completely lost any sense of value that I had. I felt stuck.

I struggled with this feeling for months. I had so many people supporting me, and I even tried to reach out to help myself, but I couldn't figure out how to change my mindset. If I couldn't win against an emotion, how could I possibly be of worth? I was doing everything I could think of- meditation, medication, exercise, cutting caffeine, reducing sugar intake, talking to people when I was anxious, I even tried getting a dog (that didn't work out at all). I was going through all the motions, but I was so overwhelmed by my fear that I couldn't move forward.

One of the things I did was sign up for a course called recovery formula. (If you are struggling with anxiety and willing to put in work to get better, I highly recommend it.) It helped me change my mindset, although it took time. One thing in particular stuck out to me. It said not to fight my anxiety. At the time this completely perplexed me. It explained that in order to "fight" it, you have to focus on it, and your mind attracts and magnifies the things you focus on. Instead, when you feel anxious, acknowledge the feeling, but don't engage. This was the biggest turning point for me. Once I understood and implemented this concept, things started to get better.

However, things were still slow, and I still felt stuck. I remember one night sitting on the floor in my boyfriends home and crying about how frustrated I was. I truly didn't believe that he could possibly still love me in the state I was in, much less believe in me, particularly after some of the things I had said in my most emotional, raw, and irrational moments. But somehow he let each of them go and forgave me over and over again. That night, I felt horrible about myself because I knew that what I was doing wasn't fair to him or me, and I was so incredibly frustrated. He told me that he wouldn't have stayed if he didn't believe that I could get better. I was stunned. How could he possibly believe in me after months of irrational emotional outbreaks? But somehow he did. He told me, as he had every day for months, that he loved me. And that time it stuck. It broke through the walls I had put up of shame and self blame and hatred towards myself, and let a tiny bit of light in.

And then he said that he believed I could do it, but doing everything in the world to get better wouldn't help me if I didn't believe in myself. And it woke me up.

I still have really hard days, where I feel afraid. But since then, I have worked really hard to see and remember my worth, and to always strive to be my best self. Some days that is a little better than others. And if you are reading this, and you are feeling anxious and afraid, I know that you can too- but first, you have to believe in yourself.

Suicidal Help

I am suicidal.

 I'm also not killing myself. Because even though it looks like an easy way to escape from the pain, and to stop from causing many, many, unnecessary problems and pain to those I love, I know that it won't end the pain for them. It's an unnecessary problem that can never be undone and the effects would last the rest of their lives for them. And because, even though I forget it a lot, I love me too.

The scriptures say that to take a life is an unforgivable sin. And that includes taking your own life. So I wanted to share a few things that help me.

1) Talk about it. With someone you trust. This is the big one. You need to know you aren't alone. When someone takes the time to listen, it's a good reminder that they care and you don't have to stick it out on your own.

2) Confront it. Admit that you are suicidal. It isn't fun or easy, and it's not something to flaunt around, but once you admit that you are you can fight it better. Create a battle plan to conquer it. Remember, you don't have to do it alone.

3) Learn from it. In college I was very depressed and suicidal, and I got through it. I'm not better or stronger than you are, so I know you can too. Now, when I have suicidal thoughts, I remember that I got through it, and even though there were different circumstances and it may not seem like it right now, I can get through it again.

4) Remember the good. Depression makes it all too easy to forget the good. Whenever I am not depressed, or I have a good thought about me or my life, I write it down on a sticky note and put it on my bathroom mirror. When I am having a hard time, I go in and read them.

5) Remember you are capable of good. This one is harder. One thing I do is I draw on my wrist, something beautiful, just as a little reminder that I am capable of creating beautiful things, and to push myself to do the incredible things I am capable of even though I might not want to move.

You are incredible! I know it, and I want you to too! I hope these can help someone the way they do me. It's taken me a long time to learn them.

The Bigger Picture

I know the last time that I wrote, I wrote about depression. My depression isn't very active right now, but I know a few people who do have active depression right now. In trying to decide what would help most, I decided to go back and read some of my old letters that I wrote when I was depressed. It made me remember how hopeless and alone I felt. So I wanted to talk about it again.

When I went to college, I worked for a "Student Support" (depression and suicide) hotline. I went to two different week long trainings on how to help these people. I learned good things to say and things you should never say.

One of the things we had pounded into us over and over and over was to never ever tell someone to just get over it. In real life, this is one of the things that people with depression are told over and over. Unfortunately it isn't that simple.

A year ago today, I was so deep in depression that I contemplated killing myself. I felt so helpless, hopeless, and alone. I would wake up and lay for hours in bed trying to convince myself to get up. I tried. I considered myself so weak for giving in. I bashed on myself so hard for not living up to my greatest potential.

Depression actually alters the way your brain functions. It isn't just a feeling that you can dismiss. It can create chemical imbalances that make it almost impossible to function as a normal person in society depending on the severity. When you have severe depression, it can feel like you will never be able to get out of it, and in some cases, the only way to escape the anxiety and hopelessness is to end your own life. The feelings and battles you fight in your own mind can be so overwhelming that they overshadow everything else. When you have deep enough depression, it can make it hard to feel any other emotion than alone, hopeless and scared. This is the world I lived in for almost six months.

I'm not sharing because I want any kind of condolences for the struggles I went through. I want people to understand, depression is not just a figment of anyone's imagination. It's very very real.

I hid my depression very well. I don't think anyone realized just how depressed I really was. Maybe that's why people didn't reach out and try to help.

Why didn't I kill myself? Someone cared. They didn't yell at me and tell me it wasn't worth it, in fact they didn't even know it at the time. They just were a good friend. They took the time to show me they cared in a way nobody else did. In reality, a lot of people cared, but most of them didn't go out of their way to show it.

It was that simple though. It took a long time, but eventually it broke through my shell, and I didn't feel so alone anymore. Knowing I was not alone, I was able to slowly get better.

That doesn't mean I don't have days where I still feel alone and hopeless and scared, because I do. It means that I know I can get through them. I know that I am not alone and that I will, even if it isn't today, be able to smile again.

I want to let those struggling know, you can get through this. You are not alone. I want everyone, struggling with depression or not to realize that even if you don't see it, hundreds, even thousands of people are fighting battles you know nothing about. A simple act of kindness can change someones life. A consistently kind person saved mine by helping me to change my mind, without even knowing it.

If you are struggling, know that you can be happy again. There is hope. I know it might not seem like it, but I've been in similar shoes and I know it can get better.

A year ago today I contemplated killing myself. Today I proudly say that I work full time, I pay all my bills on my own, and I found joy in little things. I'm proud to say I got through it. Do I still struggle with depression? Yes. And I know full well that it could come back full strength. But I know I'm not alone and if it does, I'll get through it again.

You can do this. You're not alone.

A Sad Post

 A while ago I went to college. When I went to college, I was really lonely and sad. I became very depressed. At some points I contemplated suicide.

It's not something I talk about a lot, and it's not something I really have any desire to talk about. However, throughout my time both struggling with depression and helping others who are struggling with depression, I've noticed over and over again the misconceptions that surround it.

I found a letter that I wrote during one of my hardest times, and I want to share it and hopefully it will help someone out there. Maybe to help them understand more about depression, and that it isn't something that you can just quit feeling, or maybe to help somebody out there to realize that they aren't alone in what they are feeling.

That being said, this is depression.

Each and every day of my life, I search for myself. I find myself again and again and then lose myself in all the thoughts that swim around in my head. I over-think and under-think and thorough-think and barely-think, all at once. I can’t think about myself because all these thoughts are driving me insane. I don’t know who I am when I look in the mirror, I can’t understand people that have always been near.

I want to scream to the world to take it away, but instead I keep smiling day by day. I don’t know how to take this deafening silence any more, but I can’t stop going. So I just keep on pushing through, pretending I’m fine. Everyone seems fooled.

I don’t know how to stop, because all the good I do makes me think about others and what they think of me. The people that matter most are what hurt me the most because I care too much and I look too close. I know that they are just people like me but I can’t help but wonder if they ever see the pain I’m always hiding, the terror, and shame. I wish I could tell someone, but I can’t take the blame.

What are all these thoughts? These worries and guilts? For things I’ve done right but somehow still scare me. I want to run away in a corner and hide. Hide from all the monsters gnawing inside.

But instead, I keep smiling.

I’m drowning in waves of thoughts I didn’t know I would had. When I made friends, I felt so glad. But now that I have you I can’t stop the thoughts that swirl like a whirlwind, and take things out of control. I’m always uncertain, but I’m too scared to speak. What if I mess it up worse if I make a peep. I’m terrified of losing what I have, and this silence inside is making me mad but if I talk, will it aggravate you? Will you be infected with this paranoid bug too?

Somebody help me. Just read my mind. I can’t talk, can’t scream, can’t stop hurting inside. I want my brain to stop working, to stop thinking, be still. I want to be content with the world I have still, but when I find the good I keep questioning if it is real. I am scared to be happy, to be sad, to complain. Scared to keep running, to hold still, lest I slip down the drain. I just want to be me, but I can’t find myself. I can’t talk to you or anyone else. People might care, or they might turn away, and I can’t bear the thought of not having them on another day.

I’ve always been here for everybody, plus one, but I can’t keep helping when I’m holding a gun. I’m about to explode but I can’t let it out. So if I keep my distance, now you know why. Its for your own safety from this storm brewing in my mind. I don’t want to hurt you, so I can’t let you in. I’m scared for myself, but more scared for you. I can’t risk your safety because I care way too much. You are what matters, so I’ll stay hush-hush.

But if you ever see me with tears in my eyes, behind my mask of smiles, its because with every day that goes by all this confusion is stuck deep inside. I don’t know what happened, I’m trying to keep my cool. I never felt so confused before, but now I just can’t see how its worth it. I keep on going each day for you. Not for me, but for others, who I don’t know what they would do. I keep on smiling outside and sobbing deep down because of the people I can’t bear to see frown. I’m living my life for everyone except me and the voices inside won’t let me be. I can’t keep on going but I cannot stand still. I have to keep moving or these voices might kill. I love people so much that I give them my all and then when I try to find me I have nothing at all.

When people don’t answer I worry that I’m giving too much, but I have to have someone to whom I can clutch. Somebody listen, see my pain please. Somebody help me, I’m begging you. I can’t ask you, can’t speak, can’t hold it in, I have nothing to keep. I can’t tell, can’t share, can’t go, and can’t stay, can’t scream, can’t stay silent, can’t get better today. All I want is someone to talk to me. To care how I’m doing, to share their life with me. I thought I found someone but now I’m worried they’re drifting away. My life is so uncertain and unstable this way. I can’t keep on living, can’t die, can’t cry, can’t smile. I can’t keep on hiding, helping others all the while. Someone once told me that before I could help everyone else, I had to help myself. But I can’t help myself when I don’t know who I am. I’m stuck in a circus pen with no way out.

A Woman Who Knows Her Worth

Well, it's been a long time. But I had something to share that I feel people don't talk about enough.

I debated a lot about what to call this post, but I settled on "A Woman Who Knows Her Worth" because basically that's what it's all about. It's about me, and you. Whether you're a man or a woman, this is for you. Whether you know your worth or not, this is something I wanted to share. Because it isn't easy.

I don't know when or why or how it happened, but one day I realized that I am amazing. I am strong. I am capable. And hardworking, and worth other's effort. I made a conscious decision to no longer demean myself or to spend my time around others who were demeaning to me. The thing is, I found out really fast, that almost everybody in my life fit into that category. No wonder I wasn't happy, right?

Wrong. Once I decided to love myself without reserve, people became more critical and more demeaning. But because I was choosing to love myself, I could also make the decision to be happy regardless of circumstance. It made others self-aware, and some of them it helped to be happier, while strangely enough, others it seemed to make mad. In fact, one of my managers at work one day even yelled at me for "being too happy". I just smiled a little bigger, laughed, and moved on.

If you know you're worth it, it's hard because most people won't treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. They want you to stay on their level, and they will try to keep you there. They don't want you to stand out and excel.

In my case, I got a new job because I wanted to be treated with the same respect that I choose to give myself and others.

Another thing that can be hard is that if you haven't always loved yourself when you decide that you are an incredible person who should be treated well, people who you've had in your life don't know what to do. They can tell that something changed, but they don't know what it is.

If you are a person in the life of someone who loves themself fully, this is what you need to know. 

First, they love themself. They know their worth, and they don't want to be around others who treat them poorly or demean them.

Second, they know how to look out for themselves. These are strong people who aren't afraid to do what needs to be done. From my experience, they are some of the most loving people you will meet, but that doesn't mean they'll stick around.

Third, they aren't afraid to stand up for themselves. Even if it means leaving, these people have the strength to do it.

Fourth, if you treat them well, they will treat you well too. We live in a world where kindness is most often not reciprocated, but these people see people at their full potential and will treat them like they are already at it. They will encourage you, listen to you, stand by you, and love you.

If you know your potential, this is what I want you to know.

You're not alone. We live in a world where crushing hopes and dreams and "mediocre" living is the norm, but there are people who, like you, choose to stand tall under the crushing weight of society and live the best they can.

It gets better. At first, it's hard and confusing because nobody knows what to do with you, but when you love and respect yourself, others will follow. You'll attract others who will treat you as well as you treat you.

If you are a human being, this is what I want you to know.

Whether you know it or not, you are amazing. You have incredible potential just waiting to be realized. It takes work, but you can do it.

You are worth it. You're worth being treated well by others, you're worth your own love, and you are worth the best life you can give yourself.

Stand tall, be yourself, and don't be ashamed. There's only one you, so be the best you you can be.

Don't ever forget, you are incredible.

Love,
Me :)

Day of Gratitude

I'm feeling very grateful today, and I wanted to share with all of you.

First, I'm grateful to be where I am today with the opportunities I have to be able to learn and to grow.

I'm grateful for my family. For parents that love me, an extended family that supports me, siblings that are fun to be around (most of the time), and roommates that keep me going each and every day.

I'm grateful for my teachers, both present and post that have helped me to become who I am today.

I'm grateful for my friends. Friends that listen when I'm stressed, friends that laugh at me, friends that laugh with me, and friends that trust me enough to talk to me when they're having a hard time, too.

I'm grateful for my boyfriend and best friend who takes time each and every day for me and who listens to me even when I'm worried over nothing and helps me through it.

I'm grateful for my jobs. Both in Ephraim and in Lehi, both the job itself and the people around me are so important to me. You guys are so amazing and help me so much.

I'm so grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful that he lived on this earth and set such an example for me to follow. I'm grateful that he suffered and died for me so that I can live with him again even though I am far from perfect.

I hope that I can be as good to all of you as you are to me. You are such good examples and I'm so grateful for each and every one of you in my life. Thank you for being you. :)

Life Lessons

So I just wanted to share some things I have learned and continue to learn.

None of us are perfect, and none of us are ever going to get everything right. But each of us has strengths and differences that we can use to help one another, and help others improve. It is important that we take the time to remember that we are all different, and to take that into consideration when we interact. No two people are exactly the same, and we should not treat them like they are. Each of us can make a positive difference if we just take the time to get to know one another, to listen, and to simply be there. There is not one of us who is not worth a minute of your time.

You have more worth than you realize. Learn to love yourself and you will see the world with brighter eyes and a more positive attitude. As your attitude becomes better, your happiness will grow, too.

We all have problems, and we all struggle with different things. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone when you are having a hard time. In return, be willing to lend an ear and a helping hand to those who need your help.

Don't be afraid to reach out to others. It is okay to say hi to someone who walks past you in the hall, or down the road. You can make their day.

Money and monetary possessions don't mean everything. People can give you a million gifts without it really ever meaning anything, and a simple smile and being a friend does not require you to spend money. Often the best gifts are gifts of time.

A clean house is a happier house. No matter how little you think it affects you, when your house is clean, you will be more relaxed. On the other hand, don't be afraid to make a mess. Fun times tend to come with not-so-fun messes. With friends though, even cleaning can be fun.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. If you are confused about something someone said, or how someone acted or anything at all, don't be afraid to ask what is going on. Although it can be scary, relationships progress based on trust and understanding. If you want to become a better friend, don't be afraid to ask for clarification.

And last but not least, don't be afraid to be yourself. Nobody can be a better you, and you cannot be a better anyone else. You are amazing and people will love you just the way you are.