I know the last time that I wrote, I wrote about depression. My depression isn't very active right now, but I know a few people who do have active depression right now. In trying to decide what would help most, I decided to go back and read some of my old letters that I wrote when I was depressed. It made me remember how hopeless and alone I felt. So I wanted to talk about it again.
When I went to college, I worked for a "Student Support" (depression and suicide) hotline. I went to two different week long trainings on how to help these people. I learned good things to say and things you should never say.
One of the things we had pounded into us over and over and over was to never ever tell someone to just get over it. In real life, this is one of the things that people with depression are told over and over. Unfortunately it isn't that simple.
A year ago today, I was so deep in depression that I contemplated killing myself. I felt so helpless, hopeless, and alone. I would wake up and lay for hours in bed trying to convince myself to get up. I tried. I considered myself so weak for giving in. I bashed on myself so hard for not living up to my greatest potential.
Depression actually alters the way your brain functions. It isn't just a feeling that you can dismiss. It can create chemical imbalances that make it almost impossible to function as a normal person in society depending on the severity. When you have severe depression, it can feel like you will never be able to get out of it, and in some cases, the only way to escape the anxiety and hopelessness is to end your own life. The feelings and battles you fight in your own mind can be so overwhelming that they overshadow everything else. When you have deep enough depression, it can make it hard to feel any other emotion than alone, hopeless and scared. This is the world I lived in for almost six months.
I'm not sharing because I want any kind of condolences for the struggles I went through. I want people to understand, depression is not just a figment of anyone's imagination. It's very very real.
I hid my depression very well. I don't think anyone realized just how depressed I really was. Maybe that's why people didn't reach out and try to help.
Why didn't I kill myself? Someone cared. They didn't yell at me and tell me it wasn't worth it, in fact they didn't even know it at the time. They just were a good friend. They took the time to show me they cared in a way nobody else did. In reality, a lot of people cared, but most of them didn't go out of their way to show it.
It was that simple though. It took a long time, but eventually it broke through my shell, and I didn't feel so alone anymore. Knowing I was not alone, I was able to slowly get better.
That doesn't mean I don't have days where I still feel alone and hopeless and scared, because I do. It means that I know I can get through them. I know that I am not alone and that I will, even if it isn't today, be able to smile again.
I want to let those struggling know, you can get through this. You are not alone. I want everyone, struggling with depression or not to realize that even if you don't see it, hundreds, even thousands of people are fighting battles you know nothing about. A simple act of kindness can change someones life. A consistently kind person saved mine by helping me to change my mind, without even knowing it.
If you are struggling, know that you can be happy again. There is hope. I know it might not seem like it, but I've been in similar shoes and I know it can get better.
A year ago today I contemplated killing myself. Today I proudly say that I work full time, I pay all my bills on my own, and I found joy in little things. I'm proud to say I got through it. Do I still struggle with depression? Yes. And I know full well that it could come back full strength. But I know I'm not alone and if it does, I'll get through it again.
You can do this. You're not alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment